The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
