woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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