My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
