This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
