Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
