my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
