I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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