do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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