At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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