I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
