his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
