this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
