Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
