im about as happy as oj after his trial
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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