Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
