it was like his penis was on wheels.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
