What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
