Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
