I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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