So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
