every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
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