What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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