there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
