I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
