I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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