Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
