How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
