How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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