omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
