i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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