Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
