On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
