I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
