So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
