Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
