When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
