Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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