Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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