i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
