I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
