My liver just broke up with me...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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