Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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