maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
