some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
