He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
