alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
