i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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