I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
