does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
