she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
