i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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