the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
