They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
